‘What if you just started doing those things now, instead of waiting until this non-existent level of enough was met? It’s never going to be met because even at my thinnest, I still didn’t love myself’.
There were a lot of relatable quotes that I could have pulled from this Buzzfeed video about struggling with Binge Eating Disorder, but to me that quote epitomised a lot of what I have figuring out this past year (and maybe, a majority of my early 20s too). Without doing the usual re-cap of my own struggles with sense of self, I will simply say I identify a lot with everything she had to say, and just how challenging it can be to go through daily life without over analysing details that are as easy as drinking for water for most. I know worrying about trivial details is in itself trivial in the eyes of others, but missing out on how truly wonderful life can be because you’re consumed with anxiety about how you look, is also a waste of a life. And that’s the greatest tragedy of all.
But, I’m happy to say, I watched that video today from the perspective of someone that is healing and is so far from where they used to be. Maybe you have noticed more pictures being posted on my Facebook than usual, or just more of comfort in my eyes of having my photo being taken, and it’s because I like myself a whole lot more. Without intention of coming across as narcissistic or in need of validation of some kind, as it’s not about those things at all, I’m no longer afraid to admit that ‘yes, I actually look nice’.
What that quote to me referred to, was not needing permission anymore, from other but especially from myself to fucking exist in the world and be seen. Writing that just now, made me scrunch up my face in preparation to cry, because I never thought I was truly enough. I never thought I was attractive enough, put-together enough, smart enough or just cool enough for most things. And so I sort of remained stuck in this infinite loop of not liking what I was doing whether it was to do with my job, how I exercised or generally how I spent my days. All of the things I really wanted I reserved for a time and place in which I would be fully healed, probably knowing that that level of unrealistic expectation stopped me from moving forward in the first place.
So as it stands, 2019 is a day away and unlike every other year, I’m finishing off the old one feeling as though I’ve really succeeded. Nothing is perfectly in place, and I don’t ever really want it to be that way, but I’m so happy because my level of personal growth this year has made me re-value my life and relationships in ways future-Maria always dreamt of. I’m not entirely sure what my new goals are, I am confident however that I will do everything possible to not let that self-doubt stop me from just being me.
Whoever you are, wherever you are reading this, don’t wait until 12am on the 1st to try and actualise your ambition or vision for how you see your life. You truly have everything you need as you are to make it so, and I’m confident that the perfect time is now.
Happy New Year 🙂