I started writing this post with a clear intention in mind, to justify why being single is a good thing for me at this point in time. After I finished writing, for some reason I couldn’t press post, and as it turns out (and as it sometimes does), I didn’t entirely and wholeheartedly believe what I had written.
This is how my post started..There’s a song I’ve really been loving at the moment, despite it not being that new, and despite me not really understanding Spanish. The song is called ‘Sola’ by Becky G, and if Google translate has served me well, then basically it’s about a girl who would rather be alone instead of getting played by some dude.
To make it clear, I’m not on any kind of playing field to even get played, but the word on its own ‘sola’ (alone), really resonated with me at the moment and maybe it’s why I was subconsciously drawn in.
Mejor me quedo sola
Y me voy pa’ la calle
Voy a vivir mi vida loca
Sin nadie que me falle
I better stay alone
And I’m gonna go out
I’m gonna live my crazy life
With nobody to let me down
It goes without saying, that I haven’t fared too well in my relationships in the past. The initial courting period and resulting honeymoon phase is great, but beyond that I start to get a little claustrophobic and my mind begins to race at a million miles per hour. Placing blame on ‘not having met the right person’, used to be my go-to excuse, but thinking about it recently (and especially after this
incident), I believe it’s because I never sat with why I needed a distraction in the first place.
We’re all guilty of doing it at some point, and there isn’t one person I’ve spoken to that hasn’t dated for the sake of dating, or to heal a part of themselves they aren’t ready to pop the lid off of. It’s also a common experience to resolve to be single for a while, only to meet someone a week after and have that turn into a whole other thing.
I’ve always held the opinion that it’s so important to deal with your own stuff before you let someone else in. I can’t tell you how many times my unresolved feelings have spun themselves into my relationships, tangling myself and my partner further into an intricate web of emotional turmoil. Despite the best intentions and it not being the desired outcome, it’s a bit of reckless thing to do, especially when it can just be avoided.
I know there are some instances, where two people can have a profoundly positive impact on one another, whereby instances of the past are altered and transformed into a new way of thinking and being. I think those examples also come at a time of readiness for both people however, and I don’t know if I’m there yet.
And this is where my post changed..
A big part of why I resolved that I needed to be alone, is because I know there is a larger part of myself, that doesn’t think I have enough to offer someone. Believing I’m ‘too complicated’ or ‘not pretty enough’ or ‘not driven enough’ to be enough for another person, stops me in my tracks. Afterall, what you believe you become, so how on earth could I have a successful relationship if I didn’t feel worthy of it to begin with?
So I sat with that feeling last week, and realised that instead of ‘sola’ a word that resonated more in plain and simple englais, was acceptance.
Acceptance means no matter your situation or your age, or if you’re of a particular ethnicity that considers being close to 30 and single a death-sentence, it’s so important to be mentally ok with where you are and where you are not. Alone or attached, there shouldn’t be this bullshit expectation that we either have to stay still or move forward prematurely when it’s not what we want.
It also means knowing perfection is an illusion and hoping to reach that level in yourself before another person can enter into your life, is kind of misguided. I always hope to be working on myself regardless of if I’m with someone or not. And what I truly want is to be with someone who inspires me and that I inspire in equal measure, simultaneously receiving the good and the bad that comes along with that process.
I know that I have to continue to keep growing and learning, like we all do, but I also know that I really am worthy of being loved and embraced by another person regardless of where I am in my life. Accepting that I have work to do is my responsibility, but I hope that eventually I will find a person who wants to love those flaws, just as I’m trying to do now.
As for my girl Becky G, it’s cool that she wants to stay alone and go out and be all crazy. But as of right now, I can say without hesitation, that I’m open to something.