Christmas Eve, 2017-
‘Some people are like that. They need to make the same mistake 10 times to learn a lesson. Other people only need to do it once. Everyone is different.’
That one golden nugget from my sister-in-laws mouth, was all the confirmation that I needed to realise I was one of those destructive lesson-learning types of people.And in the same way I wish I was more of a type A personality (ie organised), I often wish I didn’t need to constantly learn the hard way. But there I was, having a deep and meaningful one year on, reflecting back on an all too-familiar situation.
I was even reading back on a few posts from my very first blog ‘Sin Nombre’, and cringing at one in particular.
‘Really Maria, Really? We’re here again?
It may appear as though I’m full of all of these ‘profound’ realisations, but when it comes down to it, I’m just a regular, flawed human. And even after I’ve realised stuff, there’s a good chance I’ll continue to do the same as I’ve always done. I don’t think it makes me full of shit either, it means that I’m still a growing girl, with plenty of room left to go.
To believe that you can never make any mistakes in your life, would be naive and perhaps a little arrogant. And the real error is that mistakes are even called that to begin with, as often it’s those wrong doings that cause a necessary evolution in a person.
Usually approaching the end of a year, I muster all the optimism possible leading up to it, with the hope that I can leave the year that’s passed like a trail of dust behind me. But this time around, I’m not going to look up at the sky at 12am all do-eyed, and pray that I won’t repeat the same patterns. There’s absolutely no guarantee that things will in fact be different in 2018, and maybe that’s a good thing.
Looking back a year ago, I see all of the changes I have made as a direct reflection of the lessons I learnt while making these so-called ‘poor decisions’. I could sit here and berate myself for it, but it serves me way better to at least be a little proud for recognising when something doesn’t feel right and be open to doing better next time.
Despite those that seem quick to see the error in their way, there really is no shame in being slow to figure it out sometimes. Age isn’t indicative of the right or wrong choices you should be making either, and if an older person happens to say to you ‘But you’re *insert age* now’, remind them of the house they didn’t buy in that now gentrified, hip suburb.
I can’t say where Maria’s head will be come December 2018, but I believe more than ever that now I’m on the right path. It’s an odd, windy one that comes to a few dead ends more often than not, but it’s my path and I quite like it’s unpredictable nature.
So everyone, let’s raise an imaginary glass and virtually cheers to all the royal fuck ups we’ve made this year. Those small discrepancies will be the very thing that ends up creating the best version of yourself. Isn’t that worth learning 100 lessons over for?