When It’s Not Them, It’s You.


Mural by Millo

I wrote a few blog posts about love-related things, and no sooner had I posted them I found myself quickly reverting them to a draft. Why you may ask? It’s because these posts in all of their ‘profoundness’, seemed to pit everyone else as the source of the problem and it didn’t address the person that really needed a few wise words directed at them. This person admires love from afar and proclaims to love it, but realistically they just love the very idea of it. In their mind, it’s a simple but complex equation that puts two perfectly like-minded people together, adds a bit of chemistry and creates a partnership that can never really fizzle out. Call it an addiction to too many ROM-COMS, or maybe just a quest for something they can’t quite find in themselves, but through all of the searching, nothing ever seems to stick.

A push and pull game of declarations made and retracted, all the while continuing to let confusion take center stage.

‘I’m just not sure of anything’.

They repeat again.

‘I have to look within’.

But introspection is continuously derailed by a fluttering heart, and the cycle continues.

Open and closed, open and closed like a book that you can’t quite bring yourself to finish.

Binging on the bad stuff and only taking a nibble out of the good.

Do you feel their frustration? Are your frustrated at them?

I am too.

Because I’m scared of what happens next, I’m afraid for this person that they are running out of chances and simultaneously ruining all of them.

Their greatest demise is that they want to love too much, but don’t have the courage to find out what it really means.

So yes, this person is I and I sometimes feel that I don’t have it in me to try.

Fiercely protective of this firm but worn-out shell I’ve constructed out of my experience of being alone.

To lose it feels like losing a layer of independence, and to continue to keep carrying it feels like an unnecessary burden.

Because while I like who I am, I’m not who I want to be and letting someone be part of that process potentially, is really terrifying.

And this is where I am at the moment, trying to figure out where love fits into this whole journey I’ve started here, and if it does in fact fit.

I guess there is no real way of knowing any of this, and maybe that’s how it should stay.

Love isn’t this big mystery that needs to be worked out, it’s something very real and very worthy of an experience not just an understanding.

I can’t say I’m ready for any of it, but I’m coming around..

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