Why?

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A picture of my muse because she was flawed and still dared to paint it.

 

Why am I so damn scared of change?

It’s all I have spoken about for the past couple of years, and yet much to my own immense dissatisfaction, I have become one of those ‘all talk, no action’ kind of gals. And while I wallow in this inability to move forward, I watch people around me switch gears and adjust like it ain’t no thang. Well, I know it’s harder than what it looks, but the fact remains that most people realise that it’s not so hard to just try.Where was I getting stuck? Did I have some childhood trauma that was unresolved?

The harder I try to dig for answers, the further I get buried in my own bullshit. If it’s not the depression then it’s the anxiety and if not the anxiety it’s the eating disorder. Isn’t it interesting that as soon as you give something a label, the more power it holds over you?

Quite frankly, if I could in fact be more frank, I’m running out of reasons to keeping hitting this wall. Because all I see beyond some legtitmate mental health concerns, is a whole lot of F E A R.

Fear that tells me I’m not good enough to achieve what it is I want, or even start mapping out a clear idea of what I actually want. This image of a scared child seems to constantly appear before me, like a child that doesn’t want to go to school and will use every excuse just to stay at home. And because I’m the Mother of this vulnerable little creature, I condition myself to do what I have always done which is to pat her gently on the head and say ‘That’s OK, you don’t have to go today,’

I don’t want to be that kind of Mother. Especially because I swore that one day when I legitimately had a real child, I would make them eat their food if it fell on the ground and make sure their clothes were nice and grass stained when they got home.

Well it’s time for me to say..

Kid, you’ve missed too much school for one lifetime so put your shoes on and get your butt out the door.

Knowing all of this isn’t enough anymore, it’s just something that has to be done. I’m sick of analytics, labels and excuses and I’m ready to do what I say I’m going to do. But the only thing is, I don’t want to write about it here, or exclaim it loudly and proudly to my friends over drinks. I’m keeping my future actions to myself, in hope that it will make me realise that the only person I’ll ever really be letting down is me..and that’s enough.

Change is on the horizon and I feel scared as shit but also very ready.

See you the flipside..

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