Radio Silence.

If you don’t know what a radio silence is, here is what Google says:
a period during which one hears nothing from a normally communicative person or group.
“apologies for the radio silence but I’ve had my nose to the grindstone this week”
I’m not sure what the hell that expression is, nor who uses it but I guess the definition sums up my experience lately.  And I guess my publishing this, doesn’t come out of obligation because truthfully I’ve never felt the need to write for the sake of writing, but instead a result of hopeful catharsis.
Because man, I just need to release all of this.
If you don’t know, I have PMDD and if you would like to know what that is, you can read about it here.
So yeah, after a few blissful months of regularly going to dance class, being social and learning a new language I feel right back to square one.
And that’s the real bummer about PMDD, both the inconsistencies in the way you feel and also how the treatment you seek will help you.
I for the record have been seeing an amazing naturopath who specialises in womens issues, and without the grey-coloured glasses that PMDD likes to thrown over everything, I can definitely see some positive changes.
My issues don’t lie with her at all, it’s more in the feeling of stuckness in having something you can’t cure. And also, my frustrations lie with me. Just me (ironically, also my initials).
I don’t know how much of what I’m saying is what I have and how much is the blunt reality of how it is. And if I’m being pretty damn honest, the fact that I’m 28 and beyond the ‘cute, just figuring out life n stuff’ phase, haunts me on the daily. I’ll also be likely to look back when I’m 38 and pine for this very day when I was 28, and so the cycle bloody will continue.
What it is this time, Maria? I hear the inner critic say not so quietly and maybe some of you even.
Well, simply put, I just don’t feel like myself.
If there is one thing I knew was a sure thing and something maybe I did have above everyone else who maybe had their shit slightly more together, was that I knew who I was.
I knew I was the kind of girl who didn’t want to binge drink come the weekend.
Who tried to learn how to skateboard a few times, even when someone told me I was ‘too old’ to try.
The person that would watch the World Movie Channel at 16 instead of High School Musical, or whatever crap was popular at the time.
The daughter that went backpacking through South America, despite her Greek Fathers objections and fear that she would be kidnapped by Pablo Escobar’s successor.
So yeah man, I’ve tried a bunch of different things but lately I’ve stopped trying, or rather I’ve lost the enthusiasm to try.
Instead, I’d rather spend my days binge watching YouTube or Netflix and binge eat while I’m at it.
I honestly can’t tell you what’s what.
I cant differentiate between what’s PMDD and what’s my soul crying out for a change of scenery, or change of something.
All I’m sure of is that I’m capable of making a life that’s 100 times more enriching, and yet the motivation to make a start is nowhere to be found.
And that’s really depressing, and yes incredibly self-involved.
Which brings me to another thing that has gotten me down. Regardless of the socialising and care-free times missed out on in my 20s because of hormonal imbalances and wallowing, the thing that sucks is that I’ve failed to make a positive impact in the way that I would have liked.
I’m not one of those selfless people you can say always brightens someones day, or that is raising money for an incredible charity or simply carpe dieming the shit out of everything. Beyond being an influencer, what is wayyy cooler in my opinion, is being memorable for simply being a good human being. Because I really believe big achievements are overrated if you don’t have small pieces of yourself scattered around to share on the daily.
My style lately (well most of my life), is more complaining a lot and reflecting a lot and not actioning a lot. I struggle to crack a smile at work, let a lone to send a simple ‘how are you feeling’ message to a friend. And yeah, I’m not afraid to say that I’m an incredibly self-involved person.
But, the thing is even knowing these character flaws, the search for these illusive ‘missing pieces’ of myself never really begins. I don’t look because I don’t know what it is I’m looking for.
All that I’m sure of is that I’m not happy.
I can post as many happy dancing videos on Instagram as I like, but that’s the truth of it.
I don’t know if writing this has made me feel any better, but it has taken the pressure off keeping it to myself and maybe that’s my gift of sharing for the day.
It’s definitely time to regroup to reconsider what’s important and what needs to go, the only advice I can offer up is to do the same if you’re also feeling stuck.
Ciao for now xoxo gossip girl

Why This Blog No Longer Serves Me.

There are a few things one does when coming into the line of fire. You either-

        a)   Fire back

       b)   Render yourself defenceless and curl up into foetal position

or   c)   You take the hit and prepare for what comes next

I’ve taken a hit lately which involves the subject of this blog, and the content of my character as a result of what I choose to write about. My first instinct was to put this blog on private and vow never to show it to someone I newly meet ever again. Read more ›

The Healer.

Don’t let your deceitful ego mislead you|The more you try to pour yourself into a broken vessel it will overflow and leak through|And thats what seems to defeat you| Because you try to be the healer and heal situations that your not meant to treat through| See through the blind illusions of your own mind games| You have to understand that people and times change| And you cant walk back into the same hurtful doors expecting not to find pain| You see letting go is easy but we make it seem challenging| Because were so caught up in the memories and not focused on the reality.

Sometimes it’s better to let someone else do the talking, and that’s why I’m so glad a friend linked me to Londrelle Hall recently. I’ve been listening to him for a week straight, and he says all of the things I want to express but can’t seem to. So for this weeks blog post, I thought I would simply share a video and let him do the talking. Enjoy xo

Notes To Myself.

IMG_3346

Taken by Guido Melo for Melko Boutique and scribbled on by me. 

When there is nothing profound to say.

Other than I need to love myself.

To stop seeking comfort in the warm outter layers, to first wrap my heart carefully.

I never grasped what it meant

Never knew how much I needed it.

Until I stopped reaching and found my hand could fit so perfectly in the other.

How can I provide, how can I give when there is no source to drink from within?

Suddenly my selfishness doesn’t seem so selfish.

Suddenly, it makes sense.

In order to get love, I have to be love

Be all the things I am, instead of seeing what I’m not.

Perhaps the most profound thing I can say is that no, I don’t yet love me.

But I’m trying and I will.

Salma Hayek Pinault- Beyond The Beauty Part 2

tumblr_oxaef049p81vikq2yo2_1280
tumblr_oxaef049p81vikq2yo1_1280

On the set of Frida

As promised, here is part dos of Salma Hayek Pinault’s interview with Mother Oprah Winfrey. If you aren’t already up to speed, check out part uno here  so you can better understand why she should be revered as much more than a sex symbol. Read more ›

Salma Hayek Pinault- Beyond The Beauty Part 1

salam

Photographed by Diego Uchitel

Initially, I had drafted a post about Mr Kanye West, and you might have noticed I have made a bit of habit throughout my blog writing history, of dropping his name. A sort of media spectacle in some regards, I personally have come to find that his agenda is largely misunderstood. Hidden in the eccentric layers of his own ego, his actual message and I’m not afraid to say genius, sadly has gotten lost in the noise. So I sat down and pulled quotes from his recent interview with Charlamagne The God, to show that his thoughts actually had some kind of point to them. But then something else caught my attention, and it seemed carless as a woman to not write about it and not draw attention to this intelligent and powerful person. No, she doesn’t rap and she doesn’t make overpriced sought-after sneakers, but she’s incredibly intelligent and I admire so many things about this woman, including the persistence of her fearless spirit in an industry that has tried to keep it contained.

Today I’m going to talk about actress Salma Hayek Pinault, and use her recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, as a guide to why we should focus more attention on her incredible message. Read more ›

Let’s Talk About PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Processed with VSCO with au5 preset

The version of myself I most want to be..consistently.

I’d like to get a little Kanye-real with you, and tell you about something that has really affected my life for the past seven years. For a while, I didn’t know what it was and it got thrown a few different labels, all of which I reluctantly wore like I was at some awkward family reunion (..if my family actually had them). Read more ›

‘A real man just can’t deny..’

a keys

The one and only Alicia Keys back in the days of lace-up fly denim. (via this website)

Alicia Keys wrote a song about it, Drake has rapped about it..

A woman’s worth, is anything but a simple concept. Read more ›

Sola..?

Processed with VSCO with 1 preset

I started writing this post with a clear intention in mind, to justify why being single is a good thing for me at this point in time. After I finished writing, for some reason I couldn’t press post, and as it turns out (and as it sometimes does), I didn’t entirely and wholeheartedly believe what I had written.

This is how my post started.. Read more ›

2017- A Perfectly Imperfect Year.

Processed with VSCO with au5 preset

Christmas Eve, 2017-

‘Some people are like that. They need to make the same mistake 10 times to learn a lesson. Other people only need to do it once. Everyone is different.’

That one golden nugget from my sister-in-laws mouth, was all the confirmation that I needed to realise I was one of those destructive lesson-learning types of people. Read more ›